megwan01.diaryland.com
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Quarter life crisis. This semester has been a complete disaster. I want to run and hide from all of it. I stopped taking my depression medicine a few weeks before this semester started, and that was ok, until everything in my life fell apart. I have been so anxious about everything in my life, from grades, to guys, to even getting my stuff up to my room. Seriously, half of my crap has been sitting in the back of my car since the beginning of the semester. I brought up two loads of crap today and its still not all up in my room. This semester is going to end soon and I will have lived in a non-functional room all semester. My room has been a good measure of my life this semester. The classes this semester have been very challenging on me. I have never had this much work to do for a class, and its driven me nuts. I am having such a hard time even putting all of this into words, because alot of it is a chain reaction of events. Like the fact I have been trying to get off of adderall has made me very tired, hungry and lethargic all day long. That has caused me to gain a good amount of weight, which has effected my self esteem incredibly. It also has effected my grades because I will be so tired, so I will sleep through classes. I have had to call twice to practicum lying about why I am late calling to cancel. Going through withdrawal is not even half of my problems. The consequences of the withdrawal dont even make up half. I also have been super anxious and super depressed which has not been a fun combination with withdrawal. I havent checked my email in the past oh 4 weeks because I am afraid to look at it. Seriously, its messed up that I am avoiding looking at the amount of spam. Then, lets add to the fact I have little to no support here in Maine because I have no roomie, and friends who are involved in their own lives (which is understandable, dont get me wrong). And there's more. I have been dealing with alot of emotional crap that has been brought to the surface by a couple of guys. One guy who I liked and got very close to decided to drop out of UMF without even saying goodbye or giving me any notice. One semester he's there, and the next he's gone. Then he doesnt talk to me AT ALL until recently when he just surprised everybody by showing up for 2 or 3 days. Lets just say those 2 or 3 days, Megan was drunk. I didnt even want to deal with that shit. I have alot of repressed anger, resentment, and sadness, and I was afraid of showing it and letting it come to the surface. And I wont even go into the neil situation. Im about to go on a drive with him and try and let him into this world of Megan. I hope he will listen, because thats all I need right now. Someone who will listen and not judge. Ive tried to talk to Justin but he judges and criticizes. Ive tried to tell chris, and she comes close to being a good listener and support, but she sees me practically every day and only sees the megan who is putting on an act. She doesnt see me in my trashed, halfway done room nervous about checking my email and asleep on the floor. So chris doesnt get what all the fuss is about. I gotta go, but sometime soon I will work this out enough to talk about it in here. |
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� 20 years old |
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